By the way

I am tired of people's complaints, I am tired of people that don't even movie their ass's from the chair and are willing for some change in their lives.
I have a dream and I pray for answer and energy to keep moving day by day.
I feel sad and lonely, empty and frustrated for plenty of reasons but I hate people that doesn't use misfortune as a reason to go on.
I am the same as I was yesterday I didn't change at all, I hate your misinterpretation of my words and the meaning of the things I am saying, I don't want to explain my mood, or why I don't talk to you, if you look inside of you, you will see why.
I know life is not a seventh heaven of delight but I can't handle anymore you playing dead every single day, look forward for a change, wake up for the reality, try to get a lover, forget the past, forget about the screen, listen some music, kiss some random girls, make love, even if it's just for pleasure, forget about happily ever after, cause we are so young to keep expecting the raconteur say the happy ending, cause this is only in walt disney stories.
If you think it's about you, think about it, but don't come to tell me what you think about it or about me, cause I don't give a fuck about it!
Live for yourself instead and do me a favour feed your empty head cause you drive me close to the edge.

The end of the beginnig

It's always the same history, in the biggning it feels like it's forever but in every declain words of eternal love there is a fear of a broken heart and tears in the end.
But it feels so good to have someone around, looking into each others eyes in silence, the thousand reasons to fights and millions ways to please, silly conversations, nicknames and promises.
Your perfume is still in my sueter and I still can feel you inside, even if you are not here.
I've lost myself in your eyes, is in you cologne that I numb myself and is underneath your clothes that I find myself.
I miss you!

Till it happen to you!

One day can change us forever, can turn us into something different, maybe a little more mature, maybe a little cold.
I don't feel the same as before, I don't dream like before except for the lifetime dream, but I am the same deep inside, with a feel changes.
I used to sit in the moonlight to write about fear, dreams, passions and ilusions like a teenager in love, maybe in love just for the moon, and I could spend hours and hours flying between I wish, I could and I don't know.
For some reason something has changed, changed for good, maybe something has changed in my life, or it's just me, I don't know!
In love? maybe Mature? I don't know!
But it's so funny how life can change in a minut, but you will only understand it when it happen to you!

The comet that takes me to your arms

I've been looking for this feeling for a really long time, when I can smell your perfume and see your face evertime I close my eyes.
When you look at me I can't help smile, your eyes and your touch take me to other space in this galaxy.
No more fears, no more thoughts I fell utterly free to be only me, this girl that only want to be loved, with a tender look you put me in your planet and we have the time to be just you and me, I couldn't listen to any other sound but the sound of your voice.
You are between yesterday and the new tomorrow, you discovered and you showed me who I really am, the woman behind the girl fears and virtue.
So today the only thing I ask is for the blue comet to bring you back to me, cause I miss you so.

Nobody's home

My mother has been giving me the greater part of her responsability, and I have been walking behind her fixing up everything her eyes can 't see and I forgot about my own life, I have been living her life, I ain't built anything for me in the past 5 years.The worst five years of my life, and when I look back I haven't done anything, I have only been roving around and anyone notice it ever.And I can't understand how can you think its not your obligation to helps me grown up, helps me framing the basis to succeed in life, she seems to like to have me around fixing up for her and when I ask for help the answer is always the same.Everytime I have got a new kind of weariness revealed tearing up in my inner and in my heart, today I can't stand the pain on my shoulders, I can't stand carrying the world on my back anymore.Any word I say can't make them see how tired I am, and how hard I need to get my life back, although I don't even want to try anymore, I will not waste my time and my latin to make them see, it's meaningless to try.I wish I could erase the dark side of my past that keeps haunting me in the silent days and the dark nights, I wish I could forget the moments I keep seeing when I close my eyes, that hurts me so bad.I try to hide from myself all the hurt I want to forget, but now and then they keep wishper in my ears things I thought I would never ever remember and now I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go.

When the phone doesn't ring anymore

I don't feel like talking cause you already know what I have to say.You pretend you don't understand me, but deep inside you know, you gave me all your responsability and now I can't handle it anymore.My words are cold, my look is sad and all I want is to be alone, no more complaning, no more opening my heart for you, I can't see you as I used to, I can't talk to you as I used to and I don't want.I wanted my space, my freedom and to be respected from you, but you stabbed me in the back is this something you enjoy.And if after 22 years you still don't know me, or if I can't make you see how I feel so bad with all the things you've done to me there is no more point of sharing the same ceiling with you at all.I don't feel like smiling or crying with you, I don't feel like sharing thoughts and plans cause you never supported me anyway, I don't feel like staying here anymore.For ten years no you have built a wall between us and now it's finally done, I can't look into your eyes anymore cause I am sick and tired of everything and I all I need is to get out of here.Sometimes I want to scream my lungs out to be noticed, to make you see I hate your disrespect for me but it's meaningless to fight for your sympathy.

To the moon and back

Dear I have been missing you, where have you been? 3 weeks is all I have to wait, but sometimes it seems to be so much.
You came when I needed to feel your spirit, when I was falling in despair.
Here are you now, only for me, to help me think, to help me sing.
I wish I could fly to where you are just to calm down and tell you all I have in my mind.
Today you look as marvelous as I like to see you, full and shining and it seems that If I jump I would touch it with my hands. I love this kind of days, clear sky, ful moon, and fresh air.
I wish I could do nothing at all, just lie on the grass and watch while the night pass through, the moon is the most beautiful thing, and everytime its full I can help remebering The Little Prince.
I wish I could write her a song, I wish I could feel her.
I have some thoughts running up in my mind, but the moon image speaks for its sefl and I don't need to say anything else!

In the corner of the 90's

I want the 90s back, when I have nothing but my life to live, I have the amaizng love songs from boy bands that I used to dream about, posters on the wall, lots of diferent pop cds of songs I can sing by my heart, the cute and older guy from the 8th grade that me and my friends use to talk about lower in the middle of the class, lunch with my girls and all the teenagers of the school, flirting and smiling between juice and biology class.
My heart beating fast when my best friend was talking to the guy I was flirting for weeks, asking him if I had any chance with him, two steps of a heart attach when she said he wanted to hook up with me after the school which was a eternity to end, and dying when we met in the school wall, it used to be the best kiss everytime cause the guy of the moment always was a real special guy till the day he was kissing other girl.
Afternoon in the school square afters skip classes to talk or go back home, spend hours on the phone chating with friends about boy bands and our really conplicated life, when I wanted to have a piercing and a tattoo, but mom doesn't allowed till I get 18.When I felt in love thousand times and got my heart broken other million more but I always had great friend around and a new love song to cry with, beside the other boys to love in the following weeks.
Feel so empty when there was a new cd released and my mom promised to give it to me in my birthday or christmas, whole afternoon listening a new cd, or wacthing the same new video in the VCR, dancing the same Britney Spears moves for hours and hours like it was the most important thing in the world, I also remember begging to my mom for a satellite tv to watch the spanish mtv and pledgeding mysefl to behave and study for good marks at school, hours translating english songs and studying it in my room.
Vacations in my aunts house, laughing till we lose or breath, playing with our barbies, talking till 3am, watching scary movies at night, Time in my life when I didn't have worry about any career cause I was just a teenager and I was living just a life I wanted to live, when I didn't have to care about anything just my "big" private problems.
For to be honest If I could I would go back to that years, the 90's between my 13's and 16's when the problem of the world was a problem of the world and I was too busy taking care of my own troubles and learning by heart all the new N'sync's new album lyrics.
Good times I miss, good times I can see sparking right in front of me, good times I wish I could live again, good times I wish to never end.

Still Standing

This is the time for songs of broken heart, it's time to sleeepless nights and songs that reminds me of you.
I know I should cry but my hearts says it's better to be stronger,
I promised to keep my heart opened for you,
I know you can't wait for me forever.
I promised to save myself just for you
I wish I could be with you,
I promised you the rose
I wish I could change my destiny,
I promised to make your wishes come true
I wish I could turn back time and make everything so different, but maybe that's how is was meant to be.
I promised to keep the door opened just for you
I know we could be together.... but you are not here.
I promised not to cry anymore but speaking about it I can't contain the tears
I thought you would wait, I`ve been standing on the borderline
But I still love you even if now I will be alone picturing you and me
And I promise to keep my heart broken from you till the day you come back!

Forever and after my love!

Dreaming back again

I've lost my dream somewhere between the new air of an old town and the songs I haven't heard for a week, it was when I thought I could consent to live this life once again, I wasn't dreaming at all, I was living like everybody else around me, following the leads destiny has give, looking for serene days in the middle of this jungle, blind for good.Now that I am back to my own bed I can see how vulnerable I was, denying my dreams and closing my eyes to all the walls I had built, ilusions, destructions, lies and my broken heart.I can't give up right now, I know I am good enough for this, now is time to renew my plans, time to look forward and forget about sins and disillusion.I still have clear in my eyes his blue eyes and a lovely smile, my friends that I know I can count on, the voice in my ear and the spiritual release to live with no fear.I am dreaming back again and I am planing once more, packing my bags to sail away, far too long where I know I can forget about the worst I've lived and for a new begining.

The sun rise in the horizon!

I opened my eyes and I can see the sun.. shining shy, everything looks yellow like gold, and I can smell the fresh air of a new day, I am covered by my blankets, warm and safe, my socks on my feet shows me I am still the same, even if life seems to be worst than ever, outside I cannot see any problem, I cannot see anything wrong, maybe is just the sun shinning and covering the shadows of misery and weakness, but I just can feel asafe here.
Your photo is still in the portrait and the letter still on the table, some white papers and colorfull pens shows me I need to slowdown, focus in a song and let my thoughts get out for a freedom world.
I also need to sing out loud, sing my lungs out, take a deep breath and open my eyes... meditation?? yes i do...
Me, my bed, my favorite songs, and a peace of paper, that always take the sorrow away from me, they can wound the scars, they can heal my soul. I know right now I need some more, but meanwhile I will enjoy the view, the view that is right in front of me.
I know I have lots of things to fix, I know I need make some plans for the day, but why should I care right now?
this moment will pass away, the troubles are the same now, in one hours, next morning, but this special time, the now, is now....
If the phone ring I can miss the call, if the door bell rings, the postman will drop the letter in the box, If my mom ask me something I can do later, but the morning fresh air inside my pours, no.. I can't turn my face and just walk away. I can't lose it now.

He is gone!!!

Yesterday i sent a email to Martin and the emails got returned... nice...
He is gone now... I hope it's forever, but I hate stories with this kind of end... I don't know if he was a real person or just a dream... and if he was a dream, he was somekind of nightmare.
Whatever, I will work myself to stop care... I need to, I have to think a little more about me, fuck everybody else, fuck the world!
I also don't want to make friends, I already have enough, I have all the special friend I could, they are enough for a lifetime.
I am tired of selfish people just hanging around cause i am too slow and too nice... i will not be as nice as i was... I will point all the things I hate about them without even care, heartless, rude and tough! and I meant it!
And now he is gone and lots of useless friends will be gone too, no more hours of stupid stories, no more excuses, no more emtpy smiles and fake happiness.
I have the perfect friends that I know I can count on, people I don't need to beg for attention, people that start a conversation, friends who really want to know how I am.
Sometimes is better to be alone, and this is how it will be from now on, I am really tired of all this.
He is gone forver, you are gone, and there's no more "WE", now it's just me, and my friend know they are special, cause I am always around and I will always be, they know where to find me.
So now, he is gone!

Touching the stars

I pack my bags, comb my hair, dress up my best outfit and sit on the grass just waiting, my ticket is in my hand and a big smile upon my face.
Outter space is where I am going, the pilot says is warm there, I took a scrap-book and my favorite blue pen, to share with earth residents about the wonderfull diferent point of view from the space.
The pilot said I won't miss my family and friends, he says in the blue moon I can see them all, from outer space is easy to see the earth, from my star is easy to see my favorite people.
Every once in a while I can send them letters, to tell about living there, I also can send an invitation to a brunch, I am talking with me my marvellous pink dress, I need to be elegant, cause the stars are elegant, gracious and charming, and I can't disappoint any of my guests.
A good music is nice too, we can listen to some classical music, I've heard the stars like to dance and bright listening some great songs, I know Sonia would appreciate some jazz either.
My friends can aslo stay for the night, we can fly away to other planets and see the sunset.
Live there must be amazing, and I can't hardly wait to the pilot to take me there.
Comets always bring a new breeze and some space shuttle bring a smile of astronaut and visitors, my friends can be there with me forever, there's space enough for us in my planet, there's space enough for us in outter space.

To Sofy the one who taught me to see the stars in a different way, and showed me how to fly away to outter space.

The white peace of paper is killing me

It's cold, the winter is here, grey cloud fulfilling the sky and the cold wind that makes me feel exactly where I wish I was
.My mind is empty but at the same time runing fast in thoughts wishs and sadness.
The stars are shining above me, my heart is drifting in despair, I am arrested in my own land craving for a escaped, I need a change.I feel like wasting my time, wasting my days and I am tired, I don't want to be here anymore.I am feeling empty I have nothing to say, I don't know what to write and I hate it, I feel like I am not myself when the paper is white and the pen is dead in my table, I feel lost, I am lost.
I am just waiting for the sunset, I am just waiting...

It's cold, the winter is here, grey cloud fulfilling the sky and the cold wind that makes me feel exactly where I wish I was
.My mind is empty but at the same time runing fast in thoughts wishs and sadness.
The stars are shining above me, my heart is drifting in despair, I am arrested in my own land craving for a escaped, I need a change.I feel like wasting my time, wasting my days and I am tired, I don't want to be here anymore.I am feeling empty I have nothing to say, I don't know what to write and I hate it, I feel like I am not myself when the paper is white and the pen is dead in my table, I feel lost, I am lost.
I am just waiting for the sunset, I am just waiting...

Me, myself and I

This weekend was a very nice weekend, I spend hours watching movies, the pay per view was available for free on Tv, so I have the weekend I was needing.
I was longing for some time out of reality, enjoing myself, hours and hours without think about problems or something like that, just seting mysefl free, and now I am feeling much more alive than ever.
I was into my private world, dreaming, wishing, hoping, waiting, imaginating... well living my own privacy, alone, just me and me.
I watched 12 movies, in 3 days, so cool, scary movies are my favorites, but Garden State was a conforting movie to my troubled mind, but it was such amazing time, I could stress out, I could relax.
Today I am feeling numb, I am feeling kind of passionated, there´s a quite smoothness in my heart that I don't know how to explain, I could do something today that I can even imagine i guess...
Anyway, this is it, nothing else happent, nothing new to say, just a numb heart and a happy mind!

The silence that remains

I'm cold but the room is warmth, Is night and I can't sleep, I'm crying and shaking under my sheets.Although I am feeling my body, the pain and the fear, my soul is knelt right beside my body.I can feel the sorrow, I'm scared, the pain is destroying my spirit.I see ghosts coming in my direction, moving slowly and happily, they stand right next to me, their whisper is cold like a winter breeze, I feel my body shiver and my blood runing fast, my eyes can't stop looking at them, they come right beside my soul and say, die...die...die, I can feel my body shaking, I can feel I'm dying.They are dancing and singing in my honor the death song,
REST IN PEACE.......(they laugh) .....THERE IS NO PEACE SWEETHEART, NEVER MORE!
The verse is repeating in my head over and over again, they laugh loud.My heart is beating fast and my spirit is fading away, I'll die, I know I will.I wonder where will I go when I died.I wonder where...They can hear me, they are looking at me, they stop singing, they are not dancing anymore.I am dying in mercy, mercy of darkness and fear, dying alone, like I've always been.My body is writhed of panic, my heart is drenched in suffering.
They scream DIE ... DIE ... DIE!
My body is struggling to be alive, I can hear the one last breath of my lungs.... The silence break through the walls, I am dead.I am gone, my spirit is gone.They take me by hand and we walk through the darkness, but I still can feel the pain, the pain will never ends, they say.I am still dying inside of my soul but my spirit is gone.Now I am just a soul holding ghosts's hands walking on the dark fields of loneliness.I am fading away through the shadows of misery.
I'm gone.
I'm gone forever!

Lock me in the heart of misery

I don´t wanna feel anything today
Anything at all and just be alone
I don´t wanna live through another day
Meaningless to fight for the victory
I just wanna dive in the heart of misery
I will never be anything again
I´m tired to give, I don´t wanna try
I´m afraid to live, I´m afraid to die
I just wanna fly, throw it all away
Meaningless to fight for your sympathy
One woman forgot to breathe
One heart refused to beat
One love is incomplete

My crimson pain

I don't feel the same I felt before, my world is upside wodn, I can't find my thoughts I left in my golden box.Books don't amuses me, songs makes me cry, endless loneliness, concealed feelings, unspoken words, unrested nights.I hold a star to stop the pain, the sound of your voice to heal the scars, I crawled in front of you to find a place, I can't get what I need, I can't get something worth, I am tired of looking for a better place to be, my road is in peaces.God give me the truth, show me the way, cause I need to know, I am begging, I am crawling, I am bleeding, I am dying.I am losing my sleep, I am losing my dreams, I losing my faith, I´m dying praying, I can't see ahead, I can't see right through, my heart is empty, my soul is fadding and I need some answer.

Creed of my silent suffocation

In cotton trousers, white shirt and my pink socks I lay down in my bed and listen all my cds the whole day.
From Hanson to system of a down, drowned in the verses, feeling the drums in my head, the guittars and the sentimental lyrics of songs about broken heart and despair, singing along, out loud without even care about who is standing next to me.
Lately I`ve been feeling cold, I don`t feel like talking or thinking, I want to be alone in my room, imaging my future, and the only words that comes out of my mouth is the chorus of my favorite songs.
Some old cds like hanson makes more sense to me nowadays cause now I can understand the what they say as better as I used to, I remember how frustrated I used to feel for not understanding what did they say in their songs.
I am feeling as dark as rasmus songs, I feel lost and despair, I wake up in the middle of the night I lose the sleep, I woke up with somethings in my mind, so I wrote them in my diary, but I couldn`t get back to sleep, there`s something blocking me to be myself again, and I don`t know what it is and how to fight against.
I can`t talk about my feeling with anyone but my real friends, people I feel confortable with, people that had felt like this and knows how to help me for good.
I was reading some old post of Sofy`s blog and it makes me feel nice, it`s like being next to her, cause I do miss her! I also miss Sonia my big sister, and I can`t hardly wait to hear Inna singing the songs to make me feel calm.
I want to see everything white around me, I want to smell a new aroma, I want to see new faces, I want to live a new and differen kind of life, feel no more, feel no less.